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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28947129">An Off-Duty Officer's Regrets</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticDeku/pseuds/AutisticDeku'>AutisticDeku</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ableism, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Angst, Autistic Ishimaru Kiyotaka, Character Study, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Introspection, LITERALLY LMAO, Minor Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Owada Mondo, Self-Esteem Issues, Sins of the Father, Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, everyone but takaaki is only mentioned, i wrote this in one sitting forgive me, i'm bitter about the lack of takaaki content in-game, it's not central to the plot but it's important ok, it's pretty minor though, like barely mentioned, spike chunsoft cucked us with udg, taka's mom is no longer in the picture, toranosuke isnt a very good person in this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:47:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,457</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28947129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticDeku/pseuds/AutisticDeku</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>On a rare day off, Takaaki ponders his mistakes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ishimaru Kiyotaka &amp; Ishimaru Takaaki, No Romantic Relationship(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>An Off-Duty Officer's Regrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He's lost weight.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't need to bother checking with the scale—he can see it in the mirror as he shaves. Besides, that scale hasn't worked for months, he just has yet to replace it. He'd picked up a bad habit of holding onto broken things shortly after his father stepped down from his position as prime minister ('just in case we need it later,' he'd always insisted, but he knows it's borne out of the fear of losing everything <em>again). </em>Even the thought of losing the small, run-down apartment he had been sharing with Kiyotaka the past seven years or so makes his blood run cold. These days, Takaaki has little to be proud of, and he'll admit that his parenting skills have been lacking, but he'll be damned if he can't at least provide a home for his son. </p><p> </p><p>Takaaki pauses, staring into the mirror again. His gaunt cheeks and sunken eyes are a familiar sight to him, but that doesn't stop him from hating his reflection. It's a face befitting someone like him, he supposes. Today, he actually has the time to spend ruminating, having more or less been forced to take time off by his superiors—some bullshit about labor laws and his health; Takaaki hadn't really listened to the explanation. He didn't really <em>care</em>, having always been an obedient little cog in the machine of society. Honestly, the only reason he still shows up to work is for the sake of his son. Takaaki couldn't care less what happens to <em>himself</em>, but Kiyotaka is the one thing that still brings him joy and pride. He'd be willing to rot away under the pressure of his family's debts, if not for Kiyotaka. In fact, it's because of his son that Takaaki is so dedicated to his job. He wants to provide as much as he can for Kiyotaka after everything the poor kid has already been through, although Takaaki reasons that he hasn't exactly been doing a good job of that. Even with the seemingly endless overtime and working himself to the point of exhaustion, he could barely make ends meet. It had been that way for years, and yet, Kiyotaka never complained. He never refused to eat the stale leftover rice that made up their meals on their worst days; never threw fits about the fancy consoles the other boys at school had that he could never <em>dream</em> of touching; he wouldn't even say a word when the best Takaaki could give him for his birthday was a cupcake and a 1,000 yen bill. It's no exaggeration to say that Takaaki Ishimaru lives for his son, and for his son alone. </p><p> </p><p>In the past, Takaaki had been overprotective. He isn't afraid to admit it and isn't ashamed, either. He's adored his son since the moment he was born. Takaaki remembers that day vividly and considers it the best day of his life. Another moment in his son's life that he remembers in great detail is his diagnosis. At the time, given Takaaki's ignorance toward the subject and his status as a new parent, it felt like the end of the world. It was a cool September day, just after Kiyotaka's third birthday, when Takaaki first heard that term.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p><em>Autism Spectrum Disorder. </em>The explanation for why his son had yet to say a single word. The reason he didn't seem to be interested in the other kids at daycare. The most horrifying string of words Takaaki had ever heard. At the time, he had overreacted. Takaaki had read every parenting book, blog post, and pamphlet he could find, wanting to make sure that his son would be able to have a normal, productive life. His fears lessened after Kiyotaka finally said his first words, then his first sentences, then began reading at a middle school level in kindergarten. Ultimately, Takaaki was incredibly thankful he hadn't taken his father's advice in his panic—Kiyotaka didn't need any special therapy to 'fix' him. There was nothing <em>wrong </em>with him to begin with. He grew to understand that Kiyotaka was so much more special and amazing than he ever could have imagined. So what if he can't control his voice sometimes? Why does it matter if he gets <em>very </em>excited about political science? Hell, who gives a shit if he's a little slow with sarcasm? None of those things negate all of the good in him. Takaaki knows his son has a heart of gold. He had always cared about others immensely and he had always been serious about fairness and hard work. Kiyotaka is already so much more than Takaaki could ever be, and he isn't the least bit upset about it. He's well aware of how hard his son has worked to earn what he has. He's lost count of the number of times he's gotten up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and walked past Kiyotaka's room, the light still on, and caught a glimpse of him with his nose in a textbook. Kiyotaka is far from a natural at anything, and he's quick to correct anyone who believes otherwise. There was even a time when he struggled so much with kendo that he considered giving up for the first time in his life, finally overcoming that block only after Takaaki encouraged him to keep trying. At his very core, Kiyotaka is a hard worker and dedicated in every sense of the word. Unfortunately, the purity of his heart and his dedicated nature had made Kiyotaka an easy target for bullies, even before Toranosuke's scandal. </p><p> </p><p>Takaaki lets out a sigh, splashing water onto his face and drying it with a hand towel. He hopes the cold water will wake him up some, but deep down, he knows it won't. This relentless tiredness had taken root in his bones years ago and isn't going anywhere. He had accepted that a long time ago. Most days, a few cups of coffee and the occassional cigarette are enough to keep him functioning throughout the day, but there are times when nothing seems to help. On those days, Takaaki more or less drags his body around through sheer willpower alone (not that he has much of that to begin with) and runs through his daily tasks on autopilot. It's those exhausted, lengthy days that are the hardest. He struggles to find meaning in his work and keep himself motivated enough to at least try not to pass out at his desk. It's a funny sort of paradox, actually—in his early days, fresh out of the police academy, Takaaki had been known for following protocol to the letter and working harder than anyone else. Back then, he had wanted to live up to the achievements of his father and be someone his newborn son and wife could be proud of. Sometimes, he feels disgusted with himself; guilty, even, for his exhaustion. What right does he have to mope around the station all day, drinking cup after cup of coffee, when he can barely manage the bare minimum anymore? How can he let himself fall deeper and deeper into his own shame when Kiyotaka is out there, giving it his all, each and every day? Despite these feelings, Takaaki just... <em>can't</em> try. He can no longer be that bright-eyed kid, eager to rise up the ranks and deliver swift justice to criminals before going home to spend time with his happy young son and his beautiful, loving wife. The Takaaki who shared loving looks with the bright vermillion eyes of his wife while pushing Kiyotaka on the swingset in their back yard is no more. All that remains of him is this <em>shell</em> of a man in the mirror. He needs a smoke.</p><p> </p><p>He tugs a random shirt over his head and makes his way to the living room. As he plops down on the couch and lights a cigarette, he briefly considers Kiyotaka's lectures. Kiyotaka had never approved of his smoking habit, of course, but Takaaki has never been one to make good decisions. Sitting alone in his silent apartment makes Takaaki miss getting yelled at by his son, as funny as it sounds. Takaaki's mood has been awful ever since his son left for Hope's Peak. He's happy for Kiyotaka; he deserves his place in the 78th class, and as far as Takaaki can tell from their phone calls and texts, Kiyotaka is getting along well with his new classmates. He even has actual <em>friends </em>now, and a boyfriend! Although Takaaki is suspicious of the so-called Ultimate Biker Gang Leader, he trusts Kiyotaka to take care of himself. However, he can't help but wallow in his loneliness. With Kiyotaka and most of his belongings gone, the apartment looks pretty barren. Takaaki's been cooking his own dinner for several months now, but it can't compare to Kiyotaka's food. Sure, Kiyotaka probably sees cooking as just another chore or 'a son's duty' or something like that, but there's a sort of <em>passion </em>and <em>love </em>that isn't there when Takaaki makes his own meals. In Kiyotaka's absence, he feels even worse than when his wife left—though he can't say he blames her. Takaaki had become a single parent about a year after Toranosuke's business collapsed, right before they moved from their comfortable family home to this apartment. It hadn't been a surprise—there had been tension between the two of them for months prior—but that didn't ease the pain at all. The worst of it, though, was trying to explain it to Kiyotaka. </p><p> </p><p>Kiyotaka, who shares his eye color with his sweet mother, had responded the same way any child would. Takaaki had woken his son up for school, like any other morning, but Kiyotaka had instantly known something was wrong from the bags under his father's eyes, also red and puffy from shameful crying the night before. Kiyotaka, in his natural caring way, had hugged his father without even waiting for the explanation. That had only made breaking the news to him harder. Takaaki had carried Kiyotaka to the couch and sat down, holding him in his lap. Kiyotaka had initially been confused, not understanding why his usual morning routine had been interrupted so suddenly. Before Takaaki could even start, Kiyotaka had noted yet another abnormality—his mother wasn't in the kitchen preparing his breakfast and packing his lunch—and immediately questioned his father about it. Takaaki had known there was no way to sugarcoat it, so he had stated the truth, much like ripping off a bandage: <em>she's gone, Kiyotaka. And she isn't coming back.</em> Confused and worried, Kiyotaka's big red eyes had instantly filled with tears, exactly what Takaaki had been afraid of. Gazing up at his father's heartbroken face, Kiyotaka had asked, <br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>Did I do something? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Oh, how that one question had torn Takaaki apart. Kiyotaka had always been the nicest child he had even known. Even as a toddler, he had rarely thrown tantrums, and he had always been an absolute angel at daycare. Takaaki couldn't bear the thought of his sweet baby boy growing up and blaming himself for his own mother's absence, so he had shaken his head and said the first thing that came to mind (which he had believed and still believes to this day),</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No, Taka. This is my fault. You did nothing wrong. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Takaaki had expected Kiyotaka to finally get angry at him; to kick and scream and run to his room to hide from the monster who had scared his mommy away. Instead, without a sound, Kiyotaka had hugged his father tighter than ever before. It had taken Takaaki every ounce of his strength to hold back from crying in that moment. He had never found out whether Kiyotaka blames him for his mother's disappearance, but Takaaki at least likes to think Kiyotaka doesn't blame <em>himself. </em></p><p> </p><p>Takaaki is roused from his thoughts by a stinging, burning pain on his thigh. He looks down and curses, jumping up to brush the ashes off of his leg. That's what he gets for smoking in his underwear, he thinks bitterly. What a fucking mess. He sighs again and sits back down, grabbing the nearby ash tray this time. He balances it on his lap and grabs the remote. He had never really been one to watch television, aside from catching up on the news every now and again, but he needs <em>something </em>to help him resist the urge to crawl back into bed for the rest of the day. Even he knows that's not healthy. Boredly, he flips through the channels one-by-one. Nothing particularly catches his eye (not that he was expecting anything to) but he eventually settles on a rerun of an old sitcom he used to enjoy. The crass jokes and repetitive laughtracks do little to improve his mood. Having finished his cigarette, Takaaki snuffs the butt out in the ash tray and sets it aside once more. He finds himself leaning back in his seat, staring up at the cracked white ceiling above him. Perhaps he could find some way to entertain himself there. After spending far too long simply looking at the ceiling of his apartment, Takaaki rises and drags himself out to the kitchen. Although he has no real appetite, he knows he should eat and that Kiyotaka would have been on his ass for it at least an hour ago, if he were home. Disinterested in anything that takes actual effort, he settles on reheating some leftovers of indeterminate age from the back of the fridge. He opens the container and inspects the food. Determining that it <em>probably </em>won't kill him, he tosses it into the microwave and waits off to the side. As he watches the container spin slowly under the yellowish light, he is reminded again that Kiyotaka deserves much better than Takaaki can give him. He knows. He's known that for a long time now. That doesn't make the thought any less painful, though. The microwave beeps and he carelessly removes the container, grabbing a nearby spoon. Chopsticks are for people who still give a shit about themselves. </p><p> </p><p>As he forces himself to eat the half-cold food, Takaaki glances out the window. He doesn't remember what day it is, but a quick look at the clock tells him it's just after two P.M. He sees a few children from his building playing in the parking lot, so he figures it must be the weekend. Maybe later he'll trouble Kiyotaka for a phone call. He never refuses an opportunity to talk to his father. Takaaki is grateful for that small blessing. </p><p> </p><p>No, scratch that. Takaaki is thankful for Kiyotaka. <em>Kiyotaka </em>is his blessing.</p>
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